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One of the best ways to learn how to deal with your toddlers outbursts
is to try to understand them. Toddlers are striving to be independent but are
yet very dependent, sometimes having difficulty separating themselves from
their parents. They try to assert themselves by saying "no" as they are
trying to imitate the behavior of adults. Toddlers are very concerned with
their own needs, therefore, have trouble sharing their stuff or relinquishing
something that they have a hold of. Children in this age group are long on will
and short on skill. That is why they are often frustrated and misbehave.
Toddlers tend to make no connection between others feelings and their own. They
do not yet have the capacity to "put themselves in someone else's shoes". If
your toddler pulls your hair or bites you, biting or pulling their hair back
only makes them howl in pain and outrage that you hurt them like that. They act
as if the action (pulling hair or biting) is a new idea for them because they
do not make the association between how you feel when they do it to you and how
they feel when you do it to them. They just don't see it through your eyes, they
are consumed with their own feelings and oblivious of everyone else's.
Another thing toddlers are great for is impatience. Even though they are
watching you take the wrapper off the icy pop they want so much, they are still
wailing like they will never receive it because they lack the ability to think
ahead. Your toddler is right now a creature of the moment, unable to see cause
and effect. They holler when they get sticky from the popsicle, but fight
off the washcloth even though it will take the stickiness awayor when
they get hollered at for pushing buttons on the TV day after day, they still
rush the next day to do the same thing with no memory of the previous
scolding or that there is another scolding coming.
They just simply do not have
the ability to remember detail yet. Those buttons demand to be pressed and
will draw them in like a magnet. Right now their trying hard to be big but yet
their emotions and thought process are not fully developed. We as parents have
to try to find a middle road between these dependent and independent
extremes. As we look for this middle road we need to realize that your toddler
will not change into a sensible child overnight. If you set your expectations
too high your child will start to feel inadequate. He needs your help and
comfort and if they are withheld from him he cannot manage. If you baby your
toddler they will become rebellious and if you push them they will become whiny,
this middle road must encumber their need for independence and your need to
protect them. You must also allow them adventure but still be able to keep them
from disaster along with providing them with a firm framework for acceptable
behavior while trying not to bruise their dawning sense of being their own boss.
This is not an easy task but if you work to understand your toddler and let them
learn from experience while still cushioning their fragile emotions you may be
on your way to a less trying stage of the "Terrible Two's". Here are some do's
and don'ts to help you.
1) Don't....Your toddler has a jar of olives and you have visions that there
will
soon me a big mess to clean up. You hastily snatch the jar from their clutches
and within a millisecond you have set off a protest tantrum. You've saved your
self a mess on the floor but now you have an emotional mess to take care of.
Do .... (for younger toddler) Make eye contact and divert their attention to
something else they like. (for older toddler) Tell them that you will help them
open the jar so she can have an olive. Be sure to communicate what she is to do
with it by pointing to your mouth. This should distract them long enough for you
to return the jar to a safe spot while also teaching them respect and model
behavior.
2) Don't.... Your one year old is toddling toward a lamp cord and you scoop them
up just before they reach for it. Your child most likely will start a protest
tantrum.
Do..... get their attention by calling their name or some other cue word that
will stop them in their tracks long enough to distract them. Then quickly divert
him toward a safer alternative
3) Don't ..... Your toddler insists on defying you at every turn. You tell them
no and they continue to precede with the behavior. Finally you get fed up and
yell no. They jump at the sound and start to cry.
Do..... Don't over use the word no. The more the child hears it the more they
will learn to tune it out. Find creative alternatives to using no all the time.
If you take something away from your child say something like, not for you or
Mommy and Daddy's. If your child is doing something and you need them to stop
try stopping them mid action and explaining the reason why they need to stop.
Toddlers, although they may not comprehend all you have to say, will react more
pleasantly to an explanation then to something so generalized like "no".
Toddlers also do not make the association that their actions caused you to yell.
In general they just get frightened or startled and do not realize they caused
you to react that way. Basically yelling will only make your toddler cry instead
of helping you get your point across. A firm tone slightly different from your
normal voice will help your toddler to better distinguish between your
disciplinary tone and your regular tone. A firm tone will also eliminate fear
and crying not to mention, that toddlers learn their behavior from us, this
technique may help to avoid your child being loud when they are upset.
4) Don't......Do use force to show discipline. Hitting your child when they have
done wrong only teaches them to use force when they want something which may
cause you a lot of trouble in the future. They may also become resentful and
think there is something wrong with them and that is why they are being treated
so badly. If they think they are bad they will act bad all the time. Also you
child does not connect the action to what they did wrong they just learn to be
violent.
Do.....Find creative ways to show disproval regarding unacceptable behavior. Use
time out chairs. Your toddler most likely will not stay seated so you will have
to take a moment to stand near them, without making eye contact, this will still
make them stay put and help them realize that they can only socialize when they
demonstrate expectable behavior. The best way to set time out lengths is by age.
The general rules is to use their age and that is the number of minutes they
will be in time out. Example a 2 year old would have a two minute time out, a 4
year old, 4 minutes and so on. Another great technique is the distract and
divert method mentioned above. If they are headed toward bad behavior, distract
them and quickly find something else to grab their interests. Reinforce open
communication. If you child is throwing a temper tantrum, don't scold or spank
them, tell them that you don't like temper tantrums and that when they are done
you will talk to them. Meanwhile ignore the tantrum, when they are done and back
to acceptable behavior, sit them down and have a calm discussion in simple
language about the cause of the tantrum and why it is unacceptable. This will
show your toddler that tantrums do not help them get their own way nor do they
drawn your attention. They will soon stop all together.
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